From:
Pragya Tewari
New Delhi, India
Friday, 11.50 am

Dear Parent,

Have you ever wondered how parenting is like being Sherlock Holmes and Oprah at the same time? 

You're constantly looking for clues to figure out why your child is behaving a certain way while also guiding them to become strong, confident individuals. One of the beautiful paradoxes of life. 🙂

Now I want you to imagine this – Your teenager comes home from school unusually quiet. When you ask how her day went, she shrugs and says, "It was fine."

Later, you notice her untouched lunchbox and a crumpled flyer for a school talent show. Something's up, but she's not talking.

Or, your son spends hours perfecting his Lego masterpiece, only for his little brother to accidentally knock it over. Instead of expressing how upset he is, he storms off and slams the door. Classic kid behavior, right?

But these aren't just "mood swings" or "bad days." These are Defense Mechanisms. 

Fancy name, simple idea – When life gets hard, we all have ways to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed. Adults do it. Kids do it. (Even your neighbor auntie does it, though she'll never admit it.)

It's easy to dismiss these behaviors as just "kids being kids," but they represent a crucial disconnect. 

They're a sign that your child's outward actions don't match their inner emotional landscape. And this gap between what they show and what they truly feel can lead to bigger problems down the road.

Understanding these mechanisms is like unlocking a parenting cheat code. It helps you see what's really going on with your kids and gives you tools to help them navigate their emotions.

And trust me, this is all practical stuff – you don't need a psychology degree for it.

Alright, it's time to pull back the curtain on these defense mechanisms. 

We'll decode what they actually mean, give you some telltale signs to watch out for, and – most importantly – give you the tools to support your kids through these tricky emotional moments… 

Defense Mechanisms In Action

1. Denial

Let me ask you something – When was the last time you lied to yourself?

Maybe it was when you told yourself, "I'll start eating healthy tomorrow," as you reached for that third slice of pizza.

Or when you said, "I don't care if I didn't get the promotion," while secretly replaying the rejection in your head for weeks.

Here's the truth – we all lie to ourselves. Our kids included. It's how we survive.

Avoiding our problems is not inherently wrong. In an overwhelming situation, Denial could be the way to cope with it instantly. But it can't be a long-term solution.

Your son has been practicing for months for the school spelling bee. He poured his heart into it.

Then the day of the competition arrives. He's nervous but excited. You can see it in his eyes.

But then it happens.

He misspells a word. A simple word. One he's known since he was six.

The bell rings. He's out.

You watch as his face falls. And for a split second, you see the raw, unfiltered pain in his eyes.

But by the time he walks off the stage and comes to you, the pain is gone. When you ask him how he's feeling, he replies "It's no big deal."

This is denial in action. He's lying to himself because the truth – that he's devastated, that he feels like a failure, that he's questioning his abilities – is too much to bear. So he pretends it doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

Every time he denies his feelings, he's teaching himself to ignore his emotions. He's learning to numb the pain instead of facing it. And over time, that numbness becomes a habit. A reflex. A way of life.

And you know what happens next?

He grows up. He becomes an adult who can't handle failure. Who avoids challenges because he's too afraid to try.

So how can you help?

The next time you see him lying to himself, don't let it slide. Don't brush it off as "just a phase."

Sit him down. Look him in the eye. And say, "I know it hurts to fail. It's okay to be upset. You don't have to pretend it doesn't matter."

By naming the emotion, you're giving him permission to feel it. You're showing him that it's safe to be honest. That it's okay to be human.

And that's how you break this cycle.

2. Displacement

Think of displacement as an emotional "hot potato." 

Your child is holding onto a burning feeling – anger, frustration, disappointment – and they desperately need to get rid of it. 

But instead of dealing with the source of the feeling (a bad grade, a fight with a friend, a perceived injustice), they take it out on someone else. 

Let's say your teenage son has a disagreement with his cricket coach about the spot on the team. They feel unheard and undervalued. 

Instead of addressing the issue with the coach directly – he comes home and picks a fight with his little sister about "stealing his charger." Classic displacement. He can't yell at the coach, so he takes it out on an easier target.

The problem with this strategy is that it doesn't solve anything. It just creates a cycle of negativity. Your kid feels temporarily relieved by venting their anger, but the underlying issue with the coach remains unresolved.

Now, how do you respond to this situation? 

You could easily get caught up in the sibling squabble and start playing referee. Instead, take your son aside and acknowledge his feelings without escalating the conflict. Try this:

"I get why you're upset. You worked so hard for your spot in the team, and it hurts to lose. Let's talk about it while I finish cooking."

This teaches him to deal with disappointment directly instead of lashing out sideways.

3. Repression

Repression is the mind's way of burying painful memories so deeply that your child doesn't consciously think about them. It's not denial – it's deeper, more unconscious. 

They're not avoiding the event intentionally, their brain has decided it's too much to handle.

Your son seems to have completely forgotten about making an unfortunate self goal during the football competition. Even though you remember how upset and embarassed he was, he never brings it up, not even when discussing his next practice. 

Now, you might think, "Well, if they don't remember it, what's the harm?" 

The problem is, repressed emotions don't just disappear. They can manifest in other ways – anxiety, unexplained fears, difficulty forming healthy relationships, or even physical symptoms. 

Because repression is unconscious, it's harder to address directly. However, creating a safe and supportive environment where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings is crucial. 

4. Suppression and Reaction Formation

Unlike repression, which is unconscious, suppression involves a degree of self-control and planning. It is a deliberate decision to push feelings aside so they can function. 

It can be a healthy coping mechanism in certain situations – for example, choosing not to argue during an important family gathering or focusing on an exam despite feeling nervous.

But overuse can lead to unprocessed emotions piling up, eventually leading to a severe Reaction Formation – where instead of suppressing, they go extreme and start to show the exact opposite emotion instead.

When they feel insecure, they act super confident.

When angry, they show overt kindness. 

When jealous, they go out of their way to praise the person.

This is their mind's clever way of saying, "If I can't have what I truly want, I'll convince myself (and others) that I don't even want it." 

It's both a shield and a performance – convincing, but not quite authentic.

5. Projection

Ever notice how some people are quick to point out flaws in others. They're always criticizing someone's work ethic, their appearance, or even their parenting skills. 

But if you look closely, you might see those very same "flaws" reflected in their own lives. This is Projection.

It's taking something you don't like about yourself – an insecurity, a fear, a weakness – and pinning it on someone else. A classic case of "the pot calling the kettle black." 

And here's the sneaky part – it shifts the blame, dilutes responsibility, and provides a quick emotional escape. But like a leaky faucet, it never really fixes the issue – it just drips, drips, drips into other areas of their life.

Your child might be struggling with a sense of inadequacy in math, but instead of facing that, they might constantly accuse their teacher of being a "bad teacher" or "not explaining things well." 

After all, blaming something external is easier than confronting the uncomfortable feeling that they're not good enough. 

6. Rationalization

One of my friends is really creative. She will justify spending a fortune on luxury items by saying, "It's an investment."

Or if she makes a poor decision, she would often follow it up with – "Everything happens for a reason, right?"

She has truly mastered the art of rationalization. 😅

And it's not about lying. It's this subtle act of rewriting the story, creating a plausible-sounding explanation so it feels less like a failure and more like an unfortunate twist of fate. 

A sneaky mechanism to protect their self-esteem when reality feels too sharp.

Seen this? Your teenager spends hours scrolling through social media instead of doing their homework. When you ask them, they say, "I'm researching for my project!" 

Sure, maybe they stumbled upon a relevant article or two, but let's be real – they were really procrastinating. But it's not easy to make them realize it. 

The problem starts when kids lean too heavily on rationalization, they avoid confronting their feelings and, more importantly, they miss the opportunity to grow from setbacks.

7. Intellectualization

Let me tell you a personal story. Years ago, I had a tough breakup with my then-boyfriend. I was devastated, sad and lonely. The pain was almost too much to bear. So my mind cooked up a neat trick.

I threw myself into academics, reading research papers on attachment styles and the psychology of relationships. The funny part is that I brought it up in conversations every time my friends mentioned something even remotely related to it. 

Years later I realized that it was the trap of Intellectualization.

It was my way of replacing feelings with facts. Not that my logic was wrong, it was a way to sidestep my hurt. 

Instead of feeling the pain, I started analyzing it to death.  

If someday your kid comes home with a bad test grade and justifies it by saying – "Actually, the median score was only 68%, so my 70% is technically above average." Then you know what they're doing. 

Here's what we need to understand – Facts are important, but they don't negate feelings. 

It's entirely possible to be both logical and emotional at the same time. We have the capacity for it. Ever seen a crying person suddenly burst into laughter? 

8. Sublimation

This is possibly the only defense mechanism that has a silver lining. 

Unlike other defense mechanisms that might mask or avoid feelings, sublimation channels them into positive, creative, or productive outlets.

Your child, upset after not being chosen for the lead role in the school play, decided to write his own script for a short film, which later became a hit at the school festival. That's a good move and a classic case of Sublimation. 

So, how can you encourage sublimation? 

Look for opportunities to help your child channel their emotions into constructive activities… 

If they're feeling angry, suggest physical activity or creative expression. 

If they're feeling frustrated, help them find a problem to solve or a project to tackle. 

The key is to provide them with healthy outlets and support their efforts to transform negative energy into positive action.

Why This Matters

I'll be honest – This isn't about "fixing" your kids or turning them into emotionless robots. 

We're raising humans who will eventually face real-world challenges – heartbreak, career setbacks, difficult relationships. And if their default response is to bring out a defense mechanism, I'm afraid they'll develop into an emotionally stunted adult. 

We don't want that, do we? 

Think about it:

• • Denial prevents self-awareness. 

• • Projection distorts reality.

• • Displacement creates unnecessary conflict. 

• • Rationalization can kill accountability.

• • Intellectualization blocks emotional growth.

Now imagine your child as an adult who knows how to handle stress, communicate feelings, and turn setbacks into opportunities.

That's what we're doing here – shaping the leaders, visionaries, and innovators of tomorrow. 

And it all starts with how we help them navigate their emotions today.

All the best!